My Mind Does Play Some Tricks
I think I might just cut out when this idea of writing thing came up in my head but clearly something won't let me do it, so I probably will continue :|
So ummm... my head never been this heavy before with things and stuffs and duties and a boy (sorry), and that's why I'm not sure what's exactly happening inside there. Is it me or the things and stuffs I told you lately, or is it because of the boy that always appear with no excuse and becoming the whole nightmare issue to worry about?
See? I'm not sure what I'm doing right now. Am I craving for help or begging him to stay out of it or just dying and so God perhaps could find me another material to think about?
First, I think it was him.
Him, whom my entire world is about. Nobody can know who he is, and I definitely won't let anybody know, so let's call him Mr. X, like me and my best friend used to call him.
He may not know that I have this great great wrong feeling for him, and I won't tell him either, so that is the problem.
Some says that we can't give up on person we love and they say that love doesn't just disappear as we want to. I agree with both statements, but how can I survive for him while he's busy surviving his own love's life, without me in it, of course? How can I let this love to stay any longer while there's nothing to do with it?
I'm always about to burst into flame everytime I think of it. Because it's not just "it" like I write down there before, "it" really matter to my life, my whole life. This Mr. X thingy never works for me and my life, so I tried so hard to let him go, over and over again. And you know what? I failed.
Second, I assume it was my new duty of controlling some new stuffs out there.
That kind of stuffs which never crossed my mind that people will think I can handle. And that's absolutely right! I feel horrible to them that I actually can't handle it on my own. I just can't afford to tell them the truth or maybe asking for some help because I told them I can do that. Isn't it pathetic? Another "it" that will change other's perspective to me.
It's not that complicated as I said above, so feel free to judge me because I really am worth for that. Clearly.
Third, I don't know.
Maybe it's just the mixed up between Mr. X thingy and the new stuff I handle or what. So I probably put a lot of thought on my mind while he's showing up again and this stuff not be able to fixing itself.
So...
I remember how I said that I will do my best and handle the stuff with care and try to love it with all my heart. Maybe like I always do to Mr. X and other people I love.
But this love hasn't big enough to make me do what I supposed to do with it. I need more struggle, I need something that can make me think this one is worth fighting for. And then again, I haven't find the reason yet.
And how about Mr. X?
Vice versa, I have a lot of reason to let him go, but I just... can't.
Deep down in my heart I ask myself why I never give up on him, or at least try to give up on him, try to let him go even just for a while, why?
Well, I already wrote down the answer.
I never give up on someone I love, whoever they are, whatever it is. I think they deserve what I called affection and caring that include love.
Love is not about having them around me, or having them for my own. Love is take care and hoping for the best for them. Love doesn't just come and disappear inside there. Love is... a certain thing that I can't explain how it works.
This whole Mr. X and Stuff thing are getting weird and weird all the time. I'm not be able to tell you why because only my heart knows why.
My mouth lied to the people I love, promised thing I can't bear to people I care, but never say a thing to the most deserve person.
I feel lost and got nowhere to go and still hoping for him to simply text me back after all this time. It may sounds silly but yeah it's really me. Dying inside and won't let people know what happen straight from my mouth, I always choose to write it down.
So, what do you thing will happen next?
regards,
neneng
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